...that, as of April 2, I am unemployed. By choice. Yes, in this economy. No, it wasn't on a whim.
Back on one particularly stressful day, I came home in complete misery from a day of work, school, appointments and pain and realized that somethin's gotta give. At the time, I was only three classes away from graduation (stress-free electives), going to up to 5 appointments a week, and of course, I am in the boat of not being able to control the pain. In the end, it made the most sense to give up my job. It's only money.
This was not a lighthearted decision--I am after all a workaholic and have been with the same company for 12 years. So, about a month ago, I told my boss the words that I don't think either of us were ever expecting to hear..."You will be receiving my resignation shortly." It was a difficult conversation because I have a great deal of respect for him, along with everyone that I work with. Since then, I've been watching/hearing jaws drop all over the place as I slowly tell people that I'm leaving.
So, as we go along, I realize that I am losing out on luxuries that I can easily give up, like expensive handbags and jeans, but that I'm probably also going to lose out on the smaller things like my fancy handmade soaps, organic make-up and my favorite brand of toilet paper. Don't judge, I know you have one too. But, it's all worth it.
The decision made me feel really selfish for about a month. But, then I realized that this might be the most un-selfish thing I am doing for many reasons. However, the main reason is simply that my husband has been taking care of me for so long--running to the pharmacy for prescriptions, spending many nights in, getting out of bed at 2 in the morning to find my painkillers, taking care of medical bill disputes, cleaning, laundry and on and on and on. I see the stress it causes him, even though he's awesome enough to hide it from me. By getting better, I can give him back both his wife and the life we once knew together...which also involved much less income. :)
I can't wait!
-S
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Complete Randomness!!!
Before I turn negative, I want to share this:
God didn't promise days without pain laughter without sorrow, sun without rain. But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and a light for the way.
I saw this saying on a sign in some catalog somewhere and it struck me. Since it was during a time that I was feeling well, I saved the text so I could pull it out at a time like this. Now I'm planning to find and buy the sign to hang in my bedroom so that it is the first thing that I see in the morning.
On another note--Since I recently spent two months doped up and stuck mostly in my bedroom on a medical leave, I redecorated my entire bedroom and living room in my mind. After I returned to work and had my full income again, I started shopping around for all of the components of our bedroom, beginning with a pair of black-and-white curtains with a fancy pattern that I thought my husband would never agree to, but he did...let's face it, I've spent way more time in this room than he has as of late, so I feel like I have the right to claim eminent domain on the decor. :)
OK, onto the negative. Since my Dr. is now on the blood train, I sent my mom an email asking for information about all of the hemophilia and other blood-related diseases in my family. Sadly, many men, or should I say boys, have died of hemophilia since the 1920s, and many women suffered from other bleeding issues as well. If you've ever witnessed one of my EPIC nosebleeds, you can understand why I am now becoming frightened for my own future at this point. My first concern has to be myself, but my second is now to have a genetic work-up to find out if I am a carrier of any of these diseases. By all accounts that I have been able to gather, I will be the first to go through testing like this, so the women in my immediate family (a total of 5), are going to be very interested to see what happens.
Next, is that for the first time since I've returned to work in November, I had to admit to my boss that I just don't think I can keep up with my main projects. More on that at another time, but let me just say the words were not easy to say.
Finally, I just can't seem to figure out a way to comfortably get through the day. One would think a pain clinic would be aiming to make me comfortable in both the long and short term, but this one only seems to be concerned about the long term. Friday seems miles away...
...and speaking of...I am a week into my pill case experiment. This morning, I woke up groggy and in pain, had the case upside-down and took my PM pills. Luckily for me, I removed the pill that knocks me out cold at night (See my post titled "Ash Wednesday High" for more on that pill) so it wasn't a huge deal, but I have some doses that are higher at night than in the morning.
For my finale...out with a bang. Tomorrow, I submit my application for graduation for my bachelor degree in Business Administration! It's been a long, long, loooooooooong road to get there, but I'll be proudly walking across the stage to snatch my diploma on May 16th. You'd better bet that there is going to be a party at my place, and you're all invited.
-S
God didn't promise days without pain laughter without sorrow, sun without rain. But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and a light for the way.
I saw this saying on a sign in some catalog somewhere and it struck me. Since it was during a time that I was feeling well, I saved the text so I could pull it out at a time like this. Now I'm planning to find and buy the sign to hang in my bedroom so that it is the first thing that I see in the morning.
On another note--Since I recently spent two months doped up and stuck mostly in my bedroom on a medical leave, I redecorated my entire bedroom and living room in my mind. After I returned to work and had my full income again, I started shopping around for all of the components of our bedroom, beginning with a pair of black-and-white curtains with a fancy pattern that I thought my husband would never agree to, but he did...let's face it, I've spent way more time in this room than he has as of late, so I feel like I have the right to claim eminent domain on the decor. :)
OK, onto the negative. Since my Dr. is now on the blood train, I sent my mom an email asking for information about all of the hemophilia and other blood-related diseases in my family. Sadly, many men, or should I say boys, have died of hemophilia since the 1920s, and many women suffered from other bleeding issues as well. If you've ever witnessed one of my EPIC nosebleeds, you can understand why I am now becoming frightened for my own future at this point. My first concern has to be myself, but my second is now to have a genetic work-up to find out if I am a carrier of any of these diseases. By all accounts that I have been able to gather, I will be the first to go through testing like this, so the women in my immediate family (a total of 5), are going to be very interested to see what happens.
Next, is that for the first time since I've returned to work in November, I had to admit to my boss that I just don't think I can keep up with my main projects. More on that at another time, but let me just say the words were not easy to say.
Finally, I just can't seem to figure out a way to comfortably get through the day. One would think a pain clinic would be aiming to make me comfortable in both the long and short term, but this one only seems to be concerned about the long term. Friday seems miles away...
...and speaking of...I am a week into my pill case experiment. This morning, I woke up groggy and in pain, had the case upside-down and took my PM pills. Luckily for me, I removed the pill that knocks me out cold at night (See my post titled "Ash Wednesday High" for more on that pill) so it wasn't a huge deal, but I have some doses that are higher at night than in the morning.
For my finale...out with a bang. Tomorrow, I submit my application for graduation for my bachelor degree in Business Administration! It's been a long, long, loooooooooong road to get there, but I'll be proudly walking across the stage to snatch my diploma on May 16th. You'd better bet that there is going to be a party at my place, and you're all invited.
-S
Monday, February 22, 2010
Maybe there's something in your blood?
Today was horrible and great all rolled up into one. I woke up in crippling pain and I really don't feel any better right now. However, this morning my husband drove me to an appointment with my new ob/gyn and we have some new, potentially promising avenues to pursue. Otherwise, trying to work was torturous...I was in so much pain that talking on the phone wasn't really possible through much of today.
This Dr. happens to be absolutely amazing in the fact that to the best of our assessment, we figure that finding the root cause of a medical issue is his absolute passion...which happens to be a big part of what I do for a living (though no one dies if I fail...). On this visit, he ruled out endometriosis as the ongoing cause of my pain, based on my current endo treatment plan. He then suggested that I see a hematologist, due to the history of some blood-related issues in my family, and my own propensity to bruise easily, along with the knowledge of some HORRIFIC nosebleeds that I've had in the past. He also wants me to see a gastroenterologist to rule out possible lower-digestive track issues, though it's a very unlikely cause. Lucky me, I already have one for upper-digestive track issues, so I'm all set.
Getting closer! Next stop--pain clinic on Friday.
-S
This Dr. happens to be absolutely amazing in the fact that to the best of our assessment, we figure that finding the root cause of a medical issue is his absolute passion...which happens to be a big part of what I do for a living (though no one dies if I fail...). On this visit, he ruled out endometriosis as the ongoing cause of my pain, based on my current endo treatment plan. He then suggested that I see a hematologist, due to the history of some blood-related issues in my family, and my own propensity to bruise easily, along with the knowledge of some HORRIFIC nosebleeds that I've had in the past. He also wants me to see a gastroenterologist to rule out possible lower-digestive track issues, though it's a very unlikely cause. Lucky me, I already have one for upper-digestive track issues, so I'm all set.
Getting closer! Next stop--pain clinic on Friday.
-S
Sunday, February 21, 2010
So what the heck is wrong with you, anyway?
I've heard those words many times. In short, here's the list:
Migraines
Endometriosis
Kidney Stones
Barrett's Esophagus
Chronic pelvic pain syndrome (cause undiagnosed, but suspected to be endometriosis related)
The links are to sites that give a fairly straightforward explanation of if you wish for more information. They are also sites that do not automatically throw graphic pictures in your face on the explanation page as some other sites do.
These are the surgeries/procedures that I've had since August of 2006 to either diagnose or treat these conditions:
I actually had no idea what the total count was until I typed this....wow...12 procedures in just 3 1/2 years. Anyway,the endometriosis and chronic pain are what have been keeping me from my life since last August.
So, that's what's wrong with me in a nutshell. Here's hoping we put the missing pieces together quickly and painlessly, and that I am not one of the many that never finds the cause of her pain.
-S
Migraines
Endometriosis
Kidney Stones
Barrett's Esophagus
Chronic pelvic pain syndrome (cause undiagnosed, but suspected to be endometriosis related)
The links are to sites that give a fairly straightforward explanation of if you wish for more information. They are also sites that do not automatically throw graphic pictures in your face on the explanation page as some other sites do.
These are the surgeries/procedures that I've had since August of 2006 to either diagnose or treat these conditions:
2 Laparoscopy procedures for endometriosis
1 Oomphectomy (removal of left ovary and tube)
3 Lithotripsy procedures for that stubborn kidney stone
1 cystoscopy that actually undiagnosed a previous diagnosis
1 sphenopalatine nerve block that ended lingering pain from chronic migraines
3 hyperplaxis nerve blocks to attempt (unsuccessfully) to give me relief from the chronic pain.
1 endoscopy that diagnosed my Barrett's
I actually had no idea what the total count was until I typed this....wow...12 procedures in just 3 1/2 years. Anyway,the endometriosis and chronic pain are what have been keeping me from my life since last August.
So, that's what's wrong with me in a nutshell. Here's hoping we put the missing pieces together quickly and painlessly, and that I am not one of the many that never finds the cause of her pain.
-S
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Ash Wednesday High
Yup, that's right. My idea to get a morning/noon/evening/night pill case failed on day one...and actually, now that I say that, day two..brb..have to take my noon pills. Alrighty then, back to yesterday.
I came home from work, took my "evening" pills around 6pm, and went to Ash Wednesday church service. As we got there and took our seat near the front, I became groggy and remembered that my 6pm dose of pills included a muscle relaxer, which knocks me out for about an hour or two. Oh my. I quickly and quietly told my husband what was going on, then looked up at the altar and noticed that there was communion during the service. OH NO! So, as the service progressed, I could barely stand without bracing myself against the front of the next pew, with my legs at an angle resting on the back of the pew. When it was time for the sermon, I kept nodding off, in clear view of the pastor. My husband kept politely nudging me as my head bobbed, only for me to wake up and have my eyes roll right back into my head. During the offering, I had no choice but to fold my hands, put my head down, and take a minute-long snooze in a prayer position. I somehow made it to the altar for communion and then made the even longer walk to the car. By the time I got home, my husband had to drag me upstairs and to the best of my memory, it was a short night. I can't wait to explain that one to the pastor!
As for today, the pain level is pretty bad, but it's not stopping me from a quick evening with dear friends from yesteryear. Laughter is after all, the best medicine and there is no better place to find laughter than around a table with old friends.
More on what's actually wrong with me next time...people keep asking and I never have the time to fully explain.
Later,
-S
I came home from work, took my "evening" pills around 6pm, and went to Ash Wednesday church service. As we got there and took our seat near the front, I became groggy and remembered that my 6pm dose of pills included a muscle relaxer, which knocks me out for about an hour or two. Oh my. I quickly and quietly told my husband what was going on, then looked up at the altar and noticed that there was communion during the service. OH NO! So, as the service progressed, I could barely stand without bracing myself against the front of the next pew, with my legs at an angle resting on the back of the pew. When it was time for the sermon, I kept nodding off, in clear view of the pastor. My husband kept politely nudging me as my head bobbed, only for me to wake up and have my eyes roll right back into my head. During the offering, I had no choice but to fold my hands, put my head down, and take a minute-long snooze in a prayer position. I somehow made it to the altar for communion and then made the even longer walk to the car. By the time I got home, my husband had to drag me upstairs and to the best of my memory, it was a short night. I can't wait to explain that one to the pastor!
As for today, the pain level is pretty bad, but it's not stopping me from a quick evening with dear friends from yesteryear. Laughter is after all, the best medicine and there is no better place to find laughter than around a table with old friends.
More on what's actually wrong with me next time...people keep asking and I never have the time to fully explain.
Later,
-S
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Adventures at the pharmacy
Perhaps my greatest business-to-customer relationship at this moment is with my pharmacy. They know me by caller ID when I call and almost always know what I'm calling to refill. One fantastic Pharmacist even went out of his way to get me a different brand of generic pills when I told him that the one I was getting wasn't working as well as the brand name. He knows what prescriptions I am on and always checks out how they interact before I get there. They've seen me several times, propped up on a chair while my hubby fills the prescription and I look just barely alive, always wishing me luck in feeling better. That Pharmacy is my Cheers. Sad, I know. I'd give anything for that yearly medical deductible to go to Macy's instead.
Anyway, I called the pharmacy today to refill a prescription. I'm having a really hard time remembering my afternoon doses because I get all wrapped up in work that I don't think about anything else until the end of the day. And honestly, sometimes I just get confused with all of these pills and can't remember if I took them or not, so I don't take them to make sure I don't double dose. I bought a cheap watch with an alarm to remind me, but the watch hurts my wrist and is kind of ugly, so I don't bother with it anymore. So, I decided to ask the pharmacy if they had one of those morning/noon/evening/night pill sorters, and they had one left, so they held it for me until I could get there to pick it up. When I did get there, the tech told me that she is glad she pulled it for me because someone else had come in about an hour earlier looking for the same thing. The only thought in my mind, which I didn't verbalize, was, "How much older than me was she?" My guess was at least 40 years older. Ugh. I feel like the Seinfield episode with the Marble Rye right now. Oh well, at least I'm smart enough to call ahead to beat out my 70 year-old competition cause Lord knows, those spunky elders can probably beat the crap out of me!
Anyway, I called the pharmacy today to refill a prescription. I'm having a really hard time remembering my afternoon doses because I get all wrapped up in work that I don't think about anything else until the end of the day. And honestly, sometimes I just get confused with all of these pills and can't remember if I took them or not, so I don't take them to make sure I don't double dose. I bought a cheap watch with an alarm to remind me, but the watch hurts my wrist and is kind of ugly, so I don't bother with it anymore. So, I decided to ask the pharmacy if they had one of those morning/noon/evening/night pill sorters, and they had one left, so they held it for me until I could get there to pick it up. When I did get there, the tech told me that she is glad she pulled it for me because someone else had come in about an hour earlier looking for the same thing. The only thought in my mind, which I didn't verbalize, was, "How much older than me was she?" My guess was at least 40 years older. Ugh. I feel like the Seinfield episode with the Marble Rye right now. Oh well, at least I'm smart enough to call ahead to beat out my 70 year-old competition cause Lord knows, those spunky elders can probably beat the crap out of me!
Monday, February 1, 2010
The beginning
Hi, I'm Sarah. I used to blog about my craftiness, but truthfully, it was boring. My life is now consumed with chronic pain. Let me just say up front that in my opinion, chronic pain is just a "filler" diagnosis that medical professionals use when they have either given up, or are buying time to figure out the real problem. My life is now filled with appointment after appointment with various specialists to control my pain, but no one is looking for the cause at the moment. But, more on me later. Here's why I decided to blog about my struggles with chronic pain:
I was at an appointment, chatting with a medical professional about the fact that I was so grateful to finally find good medical care after years of struggling with pain. She said that sometimes, one just needs to find a doctor who will listen and ultimately help them put the pieces together. She then told me about a young patient that she saw a few years back who was having horrible, constant migraines. She was known as a difficult patient and said that no one could help her. She was in and out of a mental hospital. Doctors diagnosed her pain as psychological. She kept trying to kill herself, which would put her right back in the mental hospital, where she would still struggle with her pain. Eventually, she succeeded in a terrifying manner by getting in her car, pouring gasoline on herself, and lighting the match.
I drove home in tears, because I know that feeling of constant pain, feeling hopeless, feeling like I am doomed to live my life in pain that I am just not equipped to handle. I later told the story to my husband, crying even more than I did on the way home as the words left my tongue. His response was that this girl probably did have serious mental problems and that this is not the norm. I should feel bad about her situation, but I can't compare myself to her. Of course, he's right, but it made me think. The fact is, I do have a fantastic group of supporters, beginning with my husband, my family, especially my sister and her husband, my in-laws, and various friends, and even some people that I didn't even know that well. And...above all, I have my faith. God does not give us what we cannot handle, God helps us handle what we are given. In retrospect, I have never gone to that dark place. My faith and my support system have kept me from going there in even the toughest of times.
I'm not sharing my story to brag about the fact that I have supporters--I'm sharing my story to help people understand what I am going through and to hopefully help someone else in their own battle. My advice is this: if you know anyone in any kind of pain, or anyone dealing with any kind of illness, know that they need you, that they rely on you, that they depend on you just to get through the day. They remember just a few kind words from you--forever. For those of you suffering through your own battle, don't be too proud to share your story with those who are genuinely interested in helping. Some will have had their own similar battles and have great advice that you would have never known otherwise. Just keep focusing on the positive.
With that my dear friends, I am heading to bed, knowing that I am truly blessed, and praying that God watches over all of the fabulous people that help me through this tough time, and praying that there is an answer to this pain. Thank you to all of you just for being you.
-S
I was at an appointment, chatting with a medical professional about the fact that I was so grateful to finally find good medical care after years of struggling with pain. She said that sometimes, one just needs to find a doctor who will listen and ultimately help them put the pieces together. She then told me about a young patient that she saw a few years back who was having horrible, constant migraines. She was known as a difficult patient and said that no one could help her. She was in and out of a mental hospital. Doctors diagnosed her pain as psychological. She kept trying to kill herself, which would put her right back in the mental hospital, where she would still struggle with her pain. Eventually, she succeeded in a terrifying manner by getting in her car, pouring gasoline on herself, and lighting the match.
I drove home in tears, because I know that feeling of constant pain, feeling hopeless, feeling like I am doomed to live my life in pain that I am just not equipped to handle. I later told the story to my husband, crying even more than I did on the way home as the words left my tongue. His response was that this girl probably did have serious mental problems and that this is not the norm. I should feel bad about her situation, but I can't compare myself to her. Of course, he's right, but it made me think. The fact is, I do have a fantastic group of supporters, beginning with my husband, my family, especially my sister and her husband, my in-laws, and various friends, and even some people that I didn't even know that well. And...above all, I have my faith. God does not give us what we cannot handle, God helps us handle what we are given. In retrospect, I have never gone to that dark place. My faith and my support system have kept me from going there in even the toughest of times.
I'm not sharing my story to brag about the fact that I have supporters--I'm sharing my story to help people understand what I am going through and to hopefully help someone else in their own battle. My advice is this: if you know anyone in any kind of pain, or anyone dealing with any kind of illness, know that they need you, that they rely on you, that they depend on you just to get through the day. They remember just a few kind words from you--forever. For those of you suffering through your own battle, don't be too proud to share your story with those who are genuinely interested in helping. Some will have had their own similar battles and have great advice that you would have never known otherwise. Just keep focusing on the positive.
With that my dear friends, I am heading to bed, knowing that I am truly blessed, and praying that God watches over all of the fabulous people that help me through this tough time, and praying that there is an answer to this pain. Thank you to all of you just for being you.
-S
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